The Quest of Figwit and Co
by Seamoose
Summary: Figwit and Co. are going on a quest to take back the forest (sequel to The Many Beatings of Aragorn)
1. The first Chapter

I would advise you read The Many Beatings of Aragorn before reading this story otherwise you won't know what the hell is going on.  
  
Hello, hello, hello. Welcome to the continuation story to Aragorn beatings. We here at Aragorn Beatings Inc are here to reassure you that though the plot was last around chapter 7 of the first story that there will still be many incidents where an Aragorn will be maimed, beaten, cut, smooshed, eaten, poked, clobbered, crunched, smacked, smited, tripped, tortured, executed and manhandled so don't worry if that's what your reading for. Enjoy.  
  
Hi there. We here at the Legolas tug-o war factory are here to reassure you that at any particular time when it appeared that the elf was being hurt it was actually one of our Legolas tug-o-war dolls, valued $19.95. This was because he refused to let himself be damaged in any way (PUSSY. Seamoose). But this did allow us to make lots of money so we're not going to complain. Dolls can be purchased at any good Walmart near you.  
  
Gandalf here. The author and I have come to a truce over who will have control of the story. To cut a story short he simply cut off my arms and legs so I'm going to be a bit preoccupied with healing and all so I thought I'd let him do it for just a little while. To everyone who did like me I ask for only one thing. VENGEMCE. KILL HIM. KILL HIM NO- *smack* Ow. Sorry, Master.  
  
Disclaimer: To tell the truth I'm not really sure who I own and who owns me so let's just settle that I own that can of Pepsi Max that's been in the fridge for the last two years.  
  
A/N: Finally. My turn to talk. Nothing to say really. Oh yeah, decided since that plot had changed that maybe the story should too. Pretty much the same as Aragorn Beatings but with Figwit in the title. Hope you like it.  
  
  
  
It was a cold, windy day in the forest of the three queens and the three huddled around the little fire. The Care Bear Queen cried for the loss of her beloved Care Bears while Typo cooked some rats up and Figwit perfumed his hair.  
  
'Shouldn't you be fixing your arrows first?' asked Typo with a frown.  
  
'Hello,' said Figwit as he tapped her on the head 'You know I can't shoot straight with messy or smelly hair.'  
  
Just then they heard a sound in the distance.  
  
'I've come back,' it was the last surviving Aragorn who had decided to latch on to them 'and I have good news.  
  
'Really,' said the Care Bear Queen who was hoping for anything good ' what is it?' 'A friend,' he said with a goofy smile.  
  
They looked past him and saw a strange creature ambling towards them. Looking closed they saw it was only Boromir and Faramir still stuck together on the arrows.  
  
'A pet,' cried the Care Bear Queen ' I will call you Mir'. She began to stroke their heads.  
  
'Scary,' said Typo. She turned to Aragorn. 'Good boy,' she said and promptly slapped him upside the head.  
  
'What was that for?' he demanded?  
  
'Seemed like the thing to do at the time,' she answered.  
  
'Okay everybody,' said Figwit 'It's time to make a plan.  
  
Everybody gathered round.  
  
  
  
  
  
Plan issued next chapter. 


	2. Little Miss Beans and Xena

Disclaimer: Round and round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel. I don't care what anybody says but I now own this line.  
  
A/N: For the new nameless character that asked to be in Aragorn chapter 24 even though I know your real name you are going to receive another one. You are called Little Miss Beans. I ask all those fellow Figwit fans out there to please review and tell me how I can improve on his character. And remember that he is the best elf there could possibly be.  
  
From the bushes two pairs of eyes watched the little group surrounding the small fire and two pairs of ears listened.  
  
'So what's the plan Figwit?' asked Typo Girl.  
  
'First things first,' said Figwit 'You shall all refer to me as Fearless Leader or The Greatest Elf in the world.' He stopped to look pointedly at the Care Bear Queen. "Are you listening?'  
  
The Care Bear Queen was patting Mir on the head and making soothing ocean noises.  
  
'Sorry, what?'  
  
'You will call me Fearless Leader,' he repeated.  
  
'Nah, it's okay,' she said with a wave of her hand.  
  
Figwit's face flushed with anger.  
  
'You will call me Fearless Leader,' he repeated angrily.  
  
'I said nah, it's okay,' she repeated, just as angry as Figwit.  
  
'That's it,' he lightly slapped her on the side of the face. He thought this was a very elfish thing to do.  
  
A look of shock came over the Care Bear Queens face. Then a look of pure anger.  
  
'You touched the Queen,' she said in a very low voice.  
  
Figwit began to look sheepish.  
  
'Was that a bad thing to do?' asked Figwit.  
  
'A very bad thing,' said the author.  
  
'Aaaaaarrrrgggggghhhhh,' the Care Bear Queen launched herself at the elf's face. He began to fight back they started rolling around on the floor.  
  
Typo and Mir stood there and watched for a while. After realizing that this was going to take awhile they settled down to eat the sushi that had mystery come from nowhere.  
  
'Mmmmm. Good sushi,' said Typo.  
  
'Yeah,' said Boromir and Faramir.  
  
Mir began to move closer to Typo until he was sitting right next to her but she appeared to take no notice.  
  
'So,' said Boromir 'You like, stuff?'  
  
Typo looked at Boromir and then wrinkled up her nose.  
  
'Eeewwwww. No thank you.'  
  
'How about me then?' asked Faramir.  
  
She looked at him critically.  
  
'It could go either way.'  
  
Mir look sad and happy at the same time.  
  
'I've been thinking,' said Typo, changing the subject 'Where did this sushi come from?'  
  
'I've been waiting for someone to ask that,' said a voice from the bushes.  
  
'Me too,' said a voice from roughly the same area.  
  
'Who's there,' asked Typo.  
  
Little Miss Beans jumped out of the bushes followed by Gandalf. Both were wearing capes made from old bedspreads.  
  
'Hey,' cried the author 'Didn't I chop your arms and legs off?'  
  
'I got better,' replied Gandalf with a shrug of his shoulders.  
  
'Aha,' cried Little Miss Beans, pointing her finger skywards 'To protected the world from incarceration.'  
  
'To united all elfy's within this nation,' continued Gandalf.  
  
'To renounce the weevils of food and gloves.'  
  
'To extract our wheat from the stars above.'  
  
'Little Miss Beans.'  
  
'Gandalf.'  
  
'HOLD IT,' cried Typo 'This is just some cheesy take off from some crappy cartoon. It didn't make much sense before but your version just makes my head hurt.'  
  
'But I came up with the words,' pouted Gandalf.  
  
'That would be right,' said the author.  
  
'I've had enough of your crap,' shouted Gandalf. He launched himself at the author. In a few minutes they were rolling around on the ground trying to kill each other next to Figwit and the Care Bear Queen.  
  
'Odd,' said Mir.  
  
'What,' said Little Miss Beans.  
  
'If the author's rolling around over there then who's typing?'  
  
'Me,' answered Xena, Warrior Princess.  
  
'What?' said Mir.  
  
'I thinks it's better if we leave that alone,' said Typo.  
  
'Thanks,' said Xena.  
  
'I've just had an idea,' said Little Miss Beans.  
  
'Really? What?'  
  
'We should-,'  
  
But just then she was hit in the back of the head with someone wearing a jester's outfit. It was Angelle.  
  
'What were you going to say?' asked Mir.  
  
'Dunno. Must have forgotten,' she said with a big smile forming on her face for no apparent reason.  
  
'What happened to you?' Typo asked Angelle.  
  
'Minka threw me out of the castle for telling bad jokes,' Angelle explained 'Literally.'  
  
At that moment a light bulb appeared over Typo's head. She carefully took it in her hand and pocketed it.  
  
'I've just had an idea,' she told the three others 'Ever wanted to be in the Guinness book of records?'  
  
'No.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'No.'  
  
'Well you do now,' she told them 'This is what you're going to do.'  
  
There were various whispers and devious looks but noting shall be revealed until next chapter.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
'Hello there. It's me Aragorn. As you may have noticed the authors had completely forgotten about me. He has a tendency to do things like that. But thanks to the fill author Xena I finally have some spotlight to myself. Thank you Xena.'  
  
'Your welcome, Aragorn.'  
  
'First thing I must say is how appalled at the way I have been treated. Second is- Ow. Did you just cut my arm off, Xena?'  
  
'Yes Aragorn.'  
  
'Why?'  
  
'Being in this story has an affect on people towards you.'  
  
'So I guess I should start running now?'  
  
'Yes Aragorn.'  
  
'Bye, folks.'  
  
'See you next time readers.' 


	3. Lafi and Legolas, sitting in a tree

Disclaimer: I'm sick of writing disclaimers so in this one I'm going to have to say that I own everybody and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.  
  
A/N: This chapter is dedicated to Lafi of the Afi sisters because she keeps on asking where she is.  
  
  
  
Lafi sat in the dark dungeon with all the other forgotten carry over characters from the Many Beatings of Aragorn. She sighed to herself and wondered what her sister was doing out above the castle. Everyone was having fun but her, and well all the other prisoners of course. She could hear Teague moaning in another cell and the various others's that the author has forgotten.  
  
'Gruel time,' came a cry and a big wad of gruel was flung into her face.  
  
'That's it,' she cried and reached through with her arm and slammed the guards head into the bars and took his keys. She quietly let herself out.  
  
'Hey what about us?' cried Teague and the other forgotten.  
  
'Bye losers,' she cried as she ran to the dungeon exit, waving as she went.  
  
******************************************  
  
  
  
  
  
Legolas was watching the three queens and they were watching him.  
  
'I think he's going to make a run for it,' Minka told the other two 'He's sweating and that means he's nervous. He's always nervous when he's about to run.'  
  
'True,' the other two agreed.  
  
Little did they know that Legolas was not going to run. He was simply waiting for the sleeping drought he had slipped into their wine to take affect.  
  
'You know I'm getting rather tired,' said Hiyami and Cerridwyn agreed.  
  
'You two can sleep,' Minka told them 'I'm not letting him out of my sight.'  
  
The other two promptly feel asleep in their thrones. For a full ten minutes the stared into each other's eyes. It then dawned on Legolas that Minka had blinked once. He cautiously went up to her and poked her. She fell over with her eyes still open but a small snore escaped her nose. Wasting no time he began to run. Just as he made it out of the castle gate he run head first into someone.  
  
'Watch where your going Blondie,' Lafi screamed a him.  
  
"Where are you going in such a hurry?' he asked, holding his throbbing head.  
  
'Escaping. You?'  
  
'Dido. Want to do it together?'  
  
'Sure,' she agreed.  
  
They took each other's hands and began to walk away together.  
  
  
  
*****************************************  
  
  
  
  
  
Watching Gandalf, the Author, The Care Bear Queen and Figwit fighting the group consisting of Little Miss Beans, Angelle, Mir and Typo Girl (and maybe Aragorn, he seems to have wandered off somewhere) he finished all of their sushi and where deciding what to do next.  
  
'All right, Typo cried 'Everybody now knows what they have to do so let's split up.'  
  
'Right,' everybody except Angelle cried.  
  
'Right,' Angelle cried 'I miss Minka.'  
  
Everybody set of in different directions.  
  
  
  
***************************************************  
  
  
  
'AAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH,' all the mice in the castle died in shock at the sound that Minka made when she awoke to find her Legolas gone. Even the other two Queens were too scared to move.  
  
'Find him,' she bellowed.  
  
Everybody at once began to organize search parties with Minka leading the first with Gimli right behind her.  
  
'I'll find you my love,' she whispered to herself.  
  
'I'm right here,' answered Gimli.  
  
She looked at him and then smack him up side the head.  
  
'I'll find you,' she yelled at the sky. You will be mine again.'  
  
'Better clean his cage then,' Gimli muttered to himself.  
  
  
  
***************************************  
  
  
  
Lafi and Leggie were walking down a forest path when they just happened to pass a Vegas style casino chapel. They looked at each other and shrugged their shoulders.  
  
'What could it hurt,' said Lafi.  
  
'Who'd mind,' said Legolas.  
  
They walked into the chapel.  
  
'One wedding please,' Legolas asked.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Will Minka be able to stop the wedding? What is Typo up to?  
  
Next time: Return of the hobbit bridesmaids.  
  
  
  
  
  
'Hey,' said Figwit.  
  
"What?'  
  
'Since my name's in the title shouldn't I get more time?'  
  
'Quiet you.' 


	4. You?

Disclaimer: Hey I don't actually have a disclaimer I am just here to remind you that I am still annoying.  
  
A/N: Minka has a gun to my head, I'm at her house and it is large and confusing and I don't know they way out. She has kept me here for seven days and nights with only a chicken carcass to feed on. And my water dish is empty.  
  
  
  
The Hobbit bridesmaids had lost their way to the wedding.  
  
'Is this all we ever do anymore,' Samwise complained 'Make appearances at weddings.'  
  
He promptly tripped over his dress.  
  
'Well,' said Frodo, reading the map upside down 'It's that way I think?'  
  
'Onwards,' said Pippin and Merry right before they too fell over their dresses.  
  
**********************************  
  
  
  
The new Elf in the picture walked up to the castle. He had been called upon to track down the Elf that had been previously, caged, drugged, stroked and romped in the bushes. Walking up he knocked on the drawbridge we proceed to fall almost on top of him. He carefully stepped over the fallen timber and let himself politely into the castle.  
  
'Hello?' he called 'Anybody there?'  
  
No answer. He carefully made his way to the castle and went in search of the throne room as this is where royalty usually hangs out.  
  
He found the throne room and as he entered a scrubbing sound filled his ears. He looked up to see a cage hanging above the middle throne will a dwarf in an apron scrubbing up and down.  
  
'Hello there small and hairy one. Can you tell me how to fin the Queen Minka?'  
  
'Out' he replied.  
  
'Okay then. Do you know where?'  
  
'I said. Out.'  
  
'Kay then', and with that he gave up talking to the dwarf.  
  
He walked up to the thrones and on the middle one lay a piece of parchment that said "Gone huntin'. It's Elf season you know.'  
  
'Hhhmmmm.'  
  
To his pointy ears came a small whimpering sound that seem to come from just behind the thrones.  
  
'Hello there?'  
  
Ceridwyn and Hiyami poked their heads out.  
  
'Are you to okay,' he asked "do you know where Queen Minka is?'  
  
'Out,' said Hiyami.  
  
'Yes, out,' agreed the other.  
  
The Elf sighed. It was going to be one of those days.  
  
'I gathered that much but do you know where?'  
  
'Hunting,' said Hiyami.  
  
'Didn't you read the note?' asked Cerridwyn.  
  
He shook his head.  
  
'Let's try something vague then,' he told them 'Where wouldn't I find Queen Minka?'  
  
'Well you wouldn't find her,' and they list every place that they could think of that Minka wasn't.  
  
'Okay then. I think I can work it out for myself now,' he looked up and waved to Gimli in a cage 'Bye short man.'  
  
'Bye, You?'  
  
'Bye, Secondary Queens,' he gave a little wave.  
  
'Bye, You?'  
  
He rolled his eyes and left to find the Queen Minka.  
  
  
  
*********************************  
  
  
  
'Hello there, Teague.'  
  
'Hello? Who are you?'  
  
'I'm the personal torturer that Minka ordered.'  
  
'Why would Minka order me a torturer?'  
  
'Because she hates you.'  
  
'Oh,' Teague's shoulders slumped.  
  
'So then. How about we start with the thumb screws, aye?'  
  
  
  
****************************************  
  
  
  
The wedding was a quick one considering I couldn't be bothered writing about it. Flowers, rice, Hobbit bridesmaids. You know the drill. They skipped off into a Hawaiian sunset only to realize it was painted on to a brick wall. You think these characters would learn. After they placed band aids on the smooshed noses they flittered away onwards toward their honeymoon which was located somewhere else in the forest.  
  
The Hobbit bridesmaids finished off the food that was left and headed over to the next wedding procession.  
  
  
  
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At was at this time that a thought popped into the head of the Care Bear Queen. She stopped fighting with Figwit and left him dazed on the floor. She looked at the Author and Gandalf rolling around trying to kill each other.  
  
'Hey,' she screamed 'Why are we bothering to do this anymore if nobodies looking at us?'  
  
They stopped and looked at her.  
  
'Good point,' agreed Gandalf as he stood up and walked away 'I won anyways.'  
  
'No you didn't,' the author disagreed, getting back into the computer seat 'I did. Thank you. Xena.'  
  
'That's alright,' said Xena and she too walked off.  
  
'Good,' The Care Bear Queen said to herself as she picked p Figwit and slung him over her shoulder. 'Guess it's time to find the others now. Hmm, I wonder where my sister is?' She too walked off.  
  
  
  
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The new Elf on the block was walking through the forest with the only thing to guide being the useless advice of a couple of stupid secondary queens and a dwarf in a cage. Why he was caring a dwarf in a cage is unknown but I sure if you stick around I will think of a reason later (considering he left the castle alone I'm sure it won't be very good, so don't get your hopes up).  
  
'Cleaning a cage, cleaning a cage,' Gimli sang.  
  
'Shuddup,' the Elf and he rattled the cage.  
  
'Hey, why does Minka want you anyways,' he looked suspiciously through his beard at him 'You aren't trying to steal her from me are you cause back off, she's mine.'  
  
'I've got a job to do is all,' the Elf replied 'Plus I've never seen her anyway.'  
  
'She can only be described as Minka,' Gimli explained.  
  
'Gee, that's helpful,' the Elf said, once again rolling his eyes 'Anyways if you have nothing to say then stay quiet.'  
  
Gimli gave him the finger and the Elf rattled the cage again. They wandered on in silence for another twenty minutes or so, a long twenty minutes because Gimli kept suggesting that they develop a Minka detector out of toothpicks, in silence. Eventually they came to a stop.  
  
'Why did we stop here,' asked Gimli.  
  
'This is the place that Minka is supposed to be,' the Elf explained 'She should be around her somewhere.'  
  
The Elf let Gimli out of the cage so he could help look for the Queen.  
  
'Found her,' cried Gimli.  
  
'No. That's a rock.'  
  
'Oh,' but it looked Minkarish so he wrote Minka on it and pocketed it anyway.  
  
'Found her,' he cried again.  
  
'No, that's a squirrel,' and he watched in dismay as Gimli tied it up, put a nametag that said Minka on it and shoved it in his pocket.  
  
'Dwarfs are weird,' the Elf said.  
  
'I don't speak for my kind,' Gimli replied.  
  
The Elf had had just about enough and an idea came into his head. He picked up a leaf.  
  
'Look dwarves, this leaf is Minka,' he blew away it in the wind.  
  
'Comeback, my Queen,' and he chased it off into the distance and disappeared behind a tree.  
  
The wind was pushed from his lungs as something grabbed him around the middle.  
  
'Elrohir,' a slightly deranged voice called.  
  
He looked down and saw that the person holding his waist looked kind of Minkarish so he thought he might see if this was her.  
  
'Queen Minka?'  
  
'Yes my Elrohir,' she didn't look up.  
  
'Can you let go?'  
  
'No. My last elfy let and I can't find him.'  
  
'Isn't that what I'm here for? You hired me as a tracked, right?'  
  
'No. Just to get you here. Now you mine.'  
  
He looked down at her and with a kick he pushed her away and went flying into a tree. She got up and shook her head now that some sense had been knocked into her. She glared at him and walked straight up to him.  
  
'Don't you push me. I'm a Queen you know.'  
  
'Don't hug me then. I'm a tracker you know. I don't do any extra stuff,' they were both yelling at each other.  
  
'Well then track then.'  
  
'What am I tracking?'  
  
She had to think about his for a moment 'Oh. That's right. Legolas.'  
  
'Legolas?'  
  
'Yes. He has been bad so I need you to find him so I can punish him.'  
  
'Hhhmmmmmmm,' feeling uncomfortable he decided to do this as fast as he could so he could leave.  
  
He walked off and Minka had just turned around to head back to the castle when she walked into a two headed creature.  
  
'What the hell are you?' she cried.  
  
'We,' Mir answered in a dignified manner 'Are the son's the Steward of Gondor.'  
  
'Whatever,' said Minka and pushed them over and walked away.  
  
'Hey,' came a cry from behind 'Don't push Mir.'  
  
'Who the hell are you?' Minka exclaimed.  
  
'I'm Typo Girl.'  
  
"When did the author add all these extra characters on me?'  
  
'Just because you're ignorant don't blame it on the author.'  
  
'This is my story now,' she screamed 'Didn't you read the Author's Note?'  
  
'Well then, if you have the author captive shouldn't you know about the other characters in the story?'  
  
'No. They're not me so they're not important.' Minka was very satisfied with that answer.  
  
'What happened to your little efly then. Wasn't he important to you?'  
  
'Not anymore. I have a new elfy now. It's Elrohir, the cuter of the perfectly identical twins.'  
  
'Has anyone ever even seen a picture of him?'  
  
'What's your point?'  
  
'Jeese,' she shook her head 'What a lunatic.'  
  
'Screw you guys, I'm going home,' and Minka left.  
  
Typo helped up Mir and they began to walk away.  
  
'Come on. We have to find some people for my plan.'  
  
'You have a plan?'  
  
'Quiet you,' and they both walked off into the forest.  
  
  
  
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Since I'm back in control now I must tell you that I was forced to write this by Minka. She had her muses with knives watching my every move so I had to give her Elrohir and Give her more time. I am totally serious. This is not a joke. Other people will have more time next chapter. If you can't tell this is the longest chapter for either Figwit or Aragorn that I have ever written. You have permission to be proud of me. Until next time. 


End file.
